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I want to scream, but I make no sound
beer, meetmeme, Backyard
vanaabegra
I am having trouble focusing today. People want my time, and I should be thankful for it. And I am. There are however, decisions to be made, and people waiting (rightfully so) on said decisions. I have reached an impass. A while ago I had a decision to make. Money or Quality of Life. I chose Quality of Life. I have not regretted that decision. I think this decision is more important than that one. And it is more difficult as well.

My credit card is piling up. My bike needs work. The hot-tub engine has failed. And I should be thankful I have these things. The medical bills will start to pile up as well. All of the sleep study stuff is 80/20. By mid-November it will have scaled over the $1k mark. All to fucking sleep. All so that I can be awake during the day and not lose my job because I am nodding off during meetings. I would probably be ok if I could get 10 hours of sleep a night. Even after 10 hours of sleep Saturday night I was falling asleep around 4 in the afternoon. Is caffeine a problem? Not that I see. I seem to fall asleep just fine at 9am right after finishing a cup of coffee.

Someone again asked me, "what do you want?"
You know what I want right now? I want to sell my house, complete with non-functioning hot-tub. I want to send most of my toys to my nephew. I want to run the fuck away and hide from life. I want to get on my bike and cruise in warm weather. I want to sleep at night and wake up refreshed.

My cousin is an enabler. I told her I when I do lose (and I will eventually, most likely spectacularly) I was going to come and live with her in her oversized house and drive her "Saint" Car (look it up). I can hide from the world there.

I am not quite to the breakdown stage yet, and thankfully my friends are keeping me sane. One this decision is made, life will be easier again, then all the little shit like spending money to sleep will not seem like so much anymore.

To sleep, perchance to dream.

I need a fucking drink.

At kickboxing last night, i kept my focus. I punched, jabbed, hooked, and uppercut. I front, round side and hook kicked. I rocked the bag. I bruised my knuckles. I bruised my elbows. I knocked it over. Often. Without trying to. My arms were sore. Even through the padding I felt the jar of the connection all the way into my shoulders. Tonight I lift. Upper body I think. I am not entirely sure. I know that I will feel better after I lift. I may even have a moment of clarity.
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I'm sorry things are rough right now. Hang in there. I'll call you later tonight. *hug*

And here I am looking at you thinking: "That man has it all!"

"I need a fucking drink." Amen. And you'll get it soon! *HUG*

You have friends who care about you lots, please use them - and go out and have a drink with a friend too and kill two birds with one stone ;) Talk to someone about this who can be at least a little impartial.

Seperate email coming too.



Yeah, you sound like me right about when I'm close to having that moment of clarity. I'd like to hide from the world, too.

Regarding sleep, though I don't typically nod off during the day, I've found that when I sleep matters almost as much as how much I sleep. For instance, when I've been unemployed, I tend to sleep from about 2 am to 11 am. When I'm working, it's more like 10 pm to 7 am. Nine hours either way, but I feel a lot better when I can stay up late and sleep until 11 am. Weird.

If doing something tommaorw is too much let me know ok. Hope you get to feeling better. *hugs*

I want to run the fuck away and hide from life.

Well, there *is* grad school. ;)

Seriously, here's a *hug* and a promise of a decent drink (well, maybe a fucking drink). Be good, don't stress out completely, and see if relaxation is possible.

At kickboxing last night, i kept my focus. I punched, jabbed, hooked, and uppercut. I front, round side and hook kicked. I rocked the bag. I bruised my knuckles. I bruised my elbows. I knocked it over. Often. Without trying to. My arms were sore. Even through the padding I felt the jar of the connection all the way into my shoulders. Tonight I lift. Upper body I think. I am not entirely sure. I know that I will feel better after I lift. I may even have a moment of clarity.

Now that.. that is sexy.

Hang in there. *hugs*

SMASH! Bagwork class is always good for shedding oneself of frustration and stress. Plus it's easier on the drywall.

Life can get complicated. Best to not obsess about everything, and just try to sort out one thing at a time. Just resolving one mess can make the others seem less painful.

i have to think that when you do gain the ability to sleep, it will all look more manageable. not getting enough sleep bleeds into other things besides feeling sleepy.

hope it starts to come together for you. *hug*

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